January 19, 2011: SoFNN- Valerian Mega News Update

Valerian: Turn 2!

We're back and more fatigued than ever, but not too tired to begin the cycle of fun and excitement (Editor's note: work and more work) of reporting the news (Editor's note: And misreporting, distorting, and other various -orting's of the news) of Valerian Mega here on the Sort of Fantastic Network News. For our loyal readers, we have a bunch of new wacky sponsors lined up (Editor's note: They've been practically breaking down our doors. Not to sponsor- I just think they don't like us). For our new readers, remember our eyes can't be everywhere (Editor's note: Or can they? Muhaha. Muahahahah! Oh, um, right), so if there's an interesting fight at an amusingly named planet, please feel free to mail that in to cub-reporter Travail. (Editor's note: It may not get used, but if a pun can be made of it, it probably will. For better or worse.)

Action Item: Mutagens Are Hazardous To DNA And Zenrin!

- Commander Expinger led the field in long battles at Mutagen this past cycle, with a 26 round fight resulting in a win at the planet. In so doing, he has answered the age-old riddle: "How do you make a zenrin slurry?", losing 66 monks in the fight. Asked about the fearsome toll, he told this reporter in a borrowed phrase: "Crunch all you want, we'll make more".

Second Item: Down The Rabbit Hole!
- General Rab_1 lost a close battle at Evangelion this past cycle, more notable for both the length of the combat as well as the painful loss of a starting psi hauler. The defending force of the planet was reduced to a single unit, which even now celebrates with a refreshing TK "Tank Array" and tonic. Asked about the loss of the hauler, Rab_1 merely psi-ed heavily in reply.

Third Item: Migration Cancelled- Ducks Grounded!
- Admiral "Peeking" Ducks heard the bad news as his fleets were unanticipatedly grounded during a battle at Mad Dog this past cycle when the normally-sturdy ATO-3 was shot out from under its payload of rovers and org2 by a talented sharpshooter. Unfortunately for the defenders, they were swiftly reduced to slag along with a number of civilians under fire from the Admiral's OSAA2's as his forces took Mad Dog. Plenty of scuttlers were had by all, but getting them off planet may be a bit of a chore. An investigation into the firm which had produced the ATO-3 has been launched by Admiral Ducks. (Editor's note: And by investigation, we mean a bloody purge.)

And now, a word from our sponsor: Masochists With Sprue- "We are glutens for punishment!"

Travail, UC News Reporter

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